(no subject)

Firebird is still not letting me write. Grr.

Every one in a while I'll feel twitchy enough to write a truly honest post, possibly containing profanity, and hit publish before I let myself think about it. Then delete it after a couple of hours.

This is not one of those times.

I really do have the strangest relationship with religion. I'm at some point between believing and not. I feel like I'm standing behind the curtain, seeing the actors on stage but still trying to enjoy the show. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. I have sacrilegeous (hah!) conversations about how Jesus really is a bastard and Joseph was a cuckold, then I sing in the youth choir, such as it is, and start plotting a takeover of the A/V system at the new church we visited today. I can't tell if I actually believe what I'm singing or not. I suppose not really; I certainly don't think about the words. I don't know what God is to me, if anything. Too cynical to truly Give My Heart and Be Saved, but not cynical enough to completely abandon the church and a faith that's not really completely mine.

Would I be able to tell if I did?