(no subject)

[htotheh]

I feel like I've been incommunicado for the past few days. I haven't really talked to anyone outside of class; I haven't had the time. Still amn't done with either my English essay or my Environmental essay. Been feeling like I really need to throw things--I did, actually, and broke one of my favorite hair clips, so I stopped. This not being able to write stuff I need to, or being too stubborn to do so, at least, finally peaked. Mom called around today and found someone for me to go talk to. I don't think I really know how long it took her to do so, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't really want the guilt. I haven't turned in an essay on time since last year, and even those were major struggles. I haven't really been very happy with myself lately, and while that is possibly accentuated by hormonalness, it's still there, and it's not going to go away by wishing. I figure at the very least, this person will be able to tell me that I'm being silly, and a normal teenager, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to change it. I'm also trying to not hope too hard, because patterns of thought that have been in place for years probably won't go away in a hurry and I don't want to disappoint myself. Still, half the battle is admitting that you have a problem, right?

So I admit it. I'm continually ridiculous with my failure to do stuff that I don't want to do, but needs to be done regardless. It's not something that I can handle myself, or at least, something that I won't acknowlege myself, which amounts to the same thing.

It's funny. Last week, I told my piano teacher about my course load. He said that it was ridiculous because I wouldn't even need most of those high-level classes, and that eventually, I would break down. Guess he was right.


This mostly incoherant post brought to you by the Society for Preservation of Hannah's Sanity. Made sense when I wrote it, don't want to reread it because most of it probably won't. Bed now.