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Sep. 27th, 2003 03:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
htothehYesterday afternoon was so very strange. The evening before, Vanessa IM'd me for the first time in a fairly long while, for no other reason than I reminded her of my existence accidentally-on-purpose. And she invited me to go DDRing with her and some of her friends after school. Pushover that I am, I said sure. And thought almost immediately, "what did I just do?"
I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't. It was her and three of her friends, and me and Chris, who is a wonderful human being for consenting to be dragged along. When I got home, Mom asked me how many of them were wearing black. I think it was three of four, but I could be wrong. They played DDR, and Chris and I played air hockey and one game of DDR, and then we left. I barely talked to her. I gave her back the books I borrowed and haven't had a chance to return; and I gave her the Fuzzy Book that we used in eighth grade to write to each other. After writing in it, of course. I counted up the pages, and it turned out that I had more than she did, despite the fact that she often complained about the fact that I never wrote.
I guess one of the problems I have with her is that her public face and private fact come nowhere near matching up, and I'm not really sure which one's real. I'm not sure if she knows which one's real. She confuses me to no end, and I hate it, and I wish that she would either give friendship a real effort or leave me alone. I think I would almost rather it be the latter.
The oddness was compounded by the fact that Chris and I went to Lake Pine directly afterwards. Definitely not bad odd, but the contrast between Funwerks, with techno music and small children and beach balls on the ceiling, and the quiet, green Lake Pine path was nevertheless odd. And then it was the first night in what seems like forever that I did no homework whatsoever.
Why do people have to leave? Mom found some pictures of my trip to South Carolina with my best friend from fourth and fifth grade. I remember her being my best friend, but I don't feel the same way any more. She's probably completely forgotten me. I made a total ass of myself the one time we've been back since, so I think my friendships from elementary school are all gone. I met two people at Apex Middle that I still talk to, Caroline and Cassandra. I haven't seen Caroline in a couple of weeks now, and not at all outside of after-school walks for a very long time. Cassandra has changed almost beyond recognition from when I first met her. Mom keeps commenting on how much she's like a teenager how, and how much trouble her parents must be having with her. I only ever see her in carpool, and since I've been driving more, that's been happening less and less. I used to call her my best friend. Now I'm barely sure that she's a friend at all. I can't help thinking that all of this losing people is my fault. I never call anyone. I lost touch with Vanessa because of that; I've almost stopped talking to Cassandra because of that. The people I care about now are slipping away, and I don't know how to bring them back.
Ack, depressing. Bleah.
I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't. It was her and three of her friends, and me and Chris, who is a wonderful human being for consenting to be dragged along. When I got home, Mom asked me how many of them were wearing black. I think it was three of four, but I could be wrong. They played DDR, and Chris and I played air hockey and one game of DDR, and then we left. I barely talked to her. I gave her back the books I borrowed and haven't had a chance to return; and I gave her the Fuzzy Book that we used in eighth grade to write to each other. After writing in it, of course. I counted up the pages, and it turned out that I had more than she did, despite the fact that she often complained about the fact that I never wrote.
I guess one of the problems I have with her is that her public face and private fact come nowhere near matching up, and I'm not really sure which one's real. I'm not sure if she knows which one's real. She confuses me to no end, and I hate it, and I wish that she would either give friendship a real effort or leave me alone. I think I would almost rather it be the latter.
The oddness was compounded by the fact that Chris and I went to Lake Pine directly afterwards. Definitely not bad odd, but the contrast between Funwerks, with techno music and small children and beach balls on the ceiling, and the quiet, green Lake Pine path was nevertheless odd. And then it was the first night in what seems like forever that I did no homework whatsoever.
Why do people have to leave? Mom found some pictures of my trip to South Carolina with my best friend from fourth and fifth grade. I remember her being my best friend, but I don't feel the same way any more. She's probably completely forgotten me. I made a total ass of myself the one time we've been back since, so I think my friendships from elementary school are all gone. I met two people at Apex Middle that I still talk to, Caroline and Cassandra. I haven't seen Caroline in a couple of weeks now, and not at all outside of after-school walks for a very long time. Cassandra has changed almost beyond recognition from when I first met her. Mom keeps commenting on how much she's like a teenager how, and how much trouble her parents must be having with her. I only ever see her in carpool, and since I've been driving more, that's been happening less and less. I used to call her my best friend. Now I'm barely sure that she's a friend at all. I can't help thinking that all of this losing people is my fault. I never call anyone. I lost touch with Vanessa because of that; I've almost stopped talking to Cassandra because of that. The people I care about now are slipping away, and I don't know how to bring them back.
Ack, depressing. Bleah.
